The Umpires Strikes Back!

Thirty years before LRW, an 11-year-old Midwestern American sixth grader takes advantage of a weekly journal assignment in writing class to draft a parody of “The Empire Strikes Back.” Every week. For the entire school year. And here it is, for your reading pleasure. It’s all verbatim, spelling and grammatical errors left mostly intact, along with the occasional comment from the teacher (who was, incidentally, awesome). Comments from my current self are so indicated.

Jump to…

9/29/80 Intro
10/6/80 The saga begins…
10/13/80 Luke is attacked!
10/20/80 Han is worried
10/27/80 Message for Luke
11/3/80 Luke gets better
11/10/80 Darth’s HR skills
11/17/80 Deia’s briefing
11/24/80 Battle of Hoth
12/2/80 Walkers down
12/9/80 Heroes take flight
12/15/80 Baseball asteroids!
12/22/80 R.3. in the swamp
1/12/81 Momentous meeting
1/20/81 Give and take
1/26/81 Things bump in the night
2/9/81 Near chomp experience
2/18/81 Bounty batters!
2/24/81 Falcon finding fail
3/2/81 Falcon escape
3/8/81 Luke has a temper
3/15/81 Boba makes his move
3/30/81 Into the cave
4/12/81 Lesson in the dark
4/19/81 Dropping by Bespin
5/4/81 Here’s Bando Carrissian!
5/11/81 End game
5/19/81 Face off!
5/25/81 Paternal surprise
8/29/13 Final finish

Friday we went to Best Products to get an Empire Strikes Back snowspeeder, but they didn’t have it, and we went to the Golden Lamb (a resteraunt), then to a football game. Our team, Carroll, lost. The next day I went to a Rosary soccer game, we were creamed, 7-1. And my dad brought me home and I found out he got me a snowspeeder while I was at the soccer game. And since I don’t have anything else to write I’ll write a story. O well I’ll write one later. Did you hear about the Indian curse that every president elected in a year ending with a zero will die in office? So far, that curse is true, Lincoln died, so did Roosevelt, and Kennedy, and some others, so, if the next president will die, lets elect Carter! (Ha Ha)
{2013 note: Rosary is my elementary school in Dayton, Ohio, and Carroll is the high school to which my brothers went. Also, this is how I got the snowspeeder I use in LRW!}
And now the sequance of the never before heard (or written) Sports wars comes…………………………

11 a

The Umpires Strikes Back!
{2013 note: I don’t remember why I went with sports, since I wasn’t and still am not much of a sports fan.}
A long time ago, in a baseball dimond far, far away, a war, was happening between the crouds and the other teams crouds, and the baseball knights led by Ray Knight, they were trying to keep peace, but of course, they were failing, and soon, they were wiped out. And the umpures, led by Bunt Vader, was taking over! And the crouds stopped fighting and they formed a rebellion. And the rebellion led by Luke Knight, won their first major victory aguist the mighty Death Ball! Now we join our hero’s on the waste land of Death valley.
“Now this is what I call hot!” said Luke on his camel. Just then a giant “flying thing” crashed into the sand.
“Ready to come back to base?” It was Han Beaner {teacher’s note: vocab. word!}.
“Wait a minute. I’m going to check out a meteorite or something.”
“OK… I’ll meet you at base.”
Just than the camel was making weird noise and stuff.
“Whats the matter, do you smell something?”

12 a

Than I heard a horrible roar. I was a gorilla sand creature! My gun barely cleaded my holdster, his claw whipped me off my camel, another murdered the camel itself. I never even felt me being pulled along the sand. When I woke up I was upsidedown.
{teacher note: How many times have your seen “The Empire Strikes Back”?}
(Hey, if you don’t stop making fun of me I’ll just stop writing this! Grrrr!)
{2013 note: I don’t remember is this was a response to the teacher. Maybe it wasn’t. If it was, that was one patient teacher and deserved a much higher salary than she received!}
Wait a minute, whats that? It’s my light bat. He was trying to get it then he remembered the Force! The secret power that binds the stadium together, and gives power to the batters. He stretched out with his feelings. And he heard the cry of the sand creature! He consentrated more, the handle flew to his hand, and he made the bat come to life! The creature was apon him, he freed himself and, Whammo! Home run!
Meanwhile a fleet of ball destroyers were flying through space, whats this, there’s one different from the rest, wait, I know why its so different, its Bunt Vaders own ship.
Meanwhile (again) on their base,
“Hey, you, have you seen Luke lately?”
That was Han.
“Why don’t you check the rear entrance.”
“Yes sir.”
“Hey Chewy!” Chewy’s short for Tabacco. Hes a batter.
“Grunt?” That was Chewy.
“Have you find that batting gear yet?”
He nodded.
“Ok, lets try it out.”
It started to crackle, then it sparked.
“Stop it stop it. Its going to explode!”
He stopped it.
{teacher’s note: O.K.}

13 a

“Ok, start fixing it agian.”
“Hey, Deia, were not gone yet.”
Princess Deia was rescuded by Han and Luke in Sports Wars. She used to be an Umperial coach (one of the first). Now she worked with the rebal forces.
“So what,” that was Deia.
“Well, I don’t think you want me to go.”
“Of course not, you’re a born leader.”
“I think you’re using that excuse to hide your real feelings about me.”
“I don’t know where you get you’re thoughts.”
She stalked off.
“Hey has Luke reported in yet?”
“No sir.”
“Are those sand speeders ready?”
“Ok, I’ll take a camel.” He climbed up on one.
“Sir, its getting to near noon! You’ll dehidrate!”
“Well, I’ll see you in (nope. I can’t get my arm to write it).” He rode off.
{teacher note: ha!!!!!!!!}

14 a

Luke was barely alive, the sun beating mercylessly on his body. Suddenly a strang, but familier voice called to him, “Luke,” he lifted his head, and before him stood Obi run kenobi, “Ben?” Luke whispered.
“Luke, go to the Dimond System, there, Yoda, my own baseball teacher, will teach you to be a Baseball Knight!” The he faded away.
“Ben!” moaned Luke. He callapsed into the sand.
Han was racing across the sand, but he knew his camel was dying because of the heat. Soon it would fall, he would have to find Luke before then. Just that Han saw a lump in the sand. “Luke?” he mumbled. He got of his camel to investigate. It was Luke! But his camel has had it, it let out a pityfull moan and it fell, dead. “Well, so much for him,” mumbled Han. He had an idea, he took Luke Lightbat and cut open the camel, guts flew out as if it has been packed tight in there.
“Whew,” he said, “and I thought the outside smelled bad.” He put Luke in it, then he built a shelter for himself.
The next morning a sand-speeder raced across the sand skape. “This is Rouge 3, calling Han or Luke, pleace respond!”
{2013 note: Why would Luke need a shelter in a freshly butchered camel in a desert? Well, obviously because temperatures drop precipitously at night, so freezing was still an issue! In the movie, the tauntaun thing was temporary, something to keep Luke warm while Han built the shelter, which would then shelter both. Here, Han built the shelter for himself and presumably let Luke sleep in a hollowed out camel all night! Because that’s what I thought happened in the movie the first few times I saw it.}

15 a

“This is Han right below you.”
“Ok, I’m going to pick you up.”
“Is Like going to be alright?” Han asked as he was fighting to get out of bacca fluid.
Meanwhile a umperial prode droid was floating across the sand. It approtched a mound, and suddenly a pair of eyes appeared, then it roared, the probe never encountered a Gorrilla Sand creature before, it backed up, then its laser cannon swung into position, it reared, then fired, there wasn’t anything left of the sand creature, it just exploded.
{2013 note: This part came from the novelization of the movie, I think.}
“Hey kid, those scratches look better allready.”
“Uh, thankes.”
“Hey, Deia, I thought you’d come down here.”
“I don’t think you wanted to see Luke, I think you wanted to see me.”
“Why you gun happy, blaw blaw, blaw person!”
Chewie, never experienced the princess, senator, leader, to ever act this way, so he let out a batter laugh.
“Laugh it up, fuzzball. But it does look that way doesn’t it Luke.”
“Well, uh, yeah, I guese?”
“Well it seems to be that both of you don’t understand women.” She stalked off.
{Teacher note: The continuing saga}

16 a

17 a

Now we are in the control sentor, a rebal officer is speaking to a outpost.
“This is Commander (I don’t know), what do you see!”
“It’s a big black hovering thing, ah, we identified it, it’s a umperial prode droid, whats that, it a gun! No.. no..” then there was nothing.
Later, we see Han and Chewie fighting the probe droid, it fires, it almost hits Chewie, Han fires, it hits it but does nothing, he fires again, it blows up.
“This is Han, its destroyed. I didn’t hit it that hard, it must’ve self destructed.”
“Ok, out,” the officer signed off, but continued talking, “the umpire knows we’re here, begin evacuation procediors.”
And in space, six giant ships appear, five is gigantic ball destroyers, the sixed one drawfs even theses. And abored the sixed one we see an umperial officer entering the meditation chamber of bunt vader, he sickly stares at a metal arm bringing down a helmet onto a scared filled head of vader, it lockes, then he turns around. “What is it,” he askes.
“We just came out of hyper space sir!” he replied.
“What, if we came out of hyperspace later we could have cleanly bombed them, now it is to late, that admiral is as clumsy as he is stupid! Bring him here!”
“Yes sir, I heard you were calling me, what do you – auugh!” He fell, dead.
“Officer Piette, you will now take over, admeral.”
{Teacher note: Oh no!}

18 a

Back on Hoth Princess Deia was talking with some X wing pilots…
“Now you will have to escort the cargo ships into space, we will only open the defence shield only for a little while for the cargo ship to get through, so stay close.”
“You mean some X wings against a ball destroyer?”
“You will have help from the Ion Batter, now good luck, and may the force be with you.”
Later, a ship with X wings around it leave the planit Hoth, and approting a ball destroyer. And on the destroyer.
“Sir, a rebal cargo ship is approting.
“Good, the first catch of the day.”
While on hoth a cannon, known as the Ion batter, fires a series of lasor balls which streaks past the ships, and hits the destroyer, and sends it realing away, leaving a clear path for the rebal ships.
{Teacher note: excellent}

19 a

Later, on the ice skapes of hoth, rebal men set up batter guns, their mission is to stall the umperials untill the rebals got away, but none of them wanted to die.
You see an officer, with a pair of electro binoculars, what he sees he cannot believe, it is mammoth steel camels, otherwise known as umperial walkers, he alerts his men, and an explosion send ice over the terrified men, then armored sand-speeders streak over them.
Inside one is Luke and Dack, Luke met dack in the lanching bay.
“Our guns doesn’t seem to penetrate the metal on those things, we have to use tactics, Dack, get the harpoon ready, we’re going to rap around it ant trip it.”
“Yes sir.”
They were going in for the kill, when a lasor ball hit them in the rear.
“We took a hit, you o.k. Dack? Dack?”
Dack sat there, dead. “We lost Dack, Wedge, you have to do it!”
“Yes sir.” Wedge went into posision.
“Fire harpoon!” a harpoon fired out and caught on the walkers leg, the speeder went around it, once, twice, thrice. “Release cable!”
The cable came out of the back of the speeder, the walker toppled, then fell. The men hollered a cry of victory and ran out to finish it off, but it exploded, and it sent fragments at the startled men.
Luke was flying around, and a laser ball hit his ship, “I’m hit,” he cried, “I’m going down!” he hit the snow, and a walker was heading his way.
{2013 note: The “parody” breaks down every now and then as I get into the story, such as snow suddenly appearing in a desert.}

20 a

Luke got an idea, he went back into his speeder, and got a small mine and the harpoon. The walker was coming his way, closer, closer, Luke jumped away, just as the walker crashed the speeder, Luke was running with the walker, then he shot the harpoon into the belly of the iron monster, and he flew up, he cut the steel with his light bat and threw the mine in, he released the harpoon and he fell into the sand, as he watched the walker blow up he said, “That should buy Leia and the others some more time,” and he started walking back.
Meanwhile, Wedge was hit, he was leaking fuel, so he rammed the walkers head, there were screams, then the walker fell.
{2013 note: Poor Wedge! Guess he won’t be making the second Death Ball attack run in the sequel.}

21 a

Meanwhile inside the base Han and Leia was running down a ice corridor, “Come on, we’ve got to make it to the rebal ships, watch it!” the cavern caved in.
“Come on, we’ve got to make it to the millennia falcon!”
“Wait for me!” that was C-3TO, “wait.”
When they were all in some sand troopers appeared and were fixing up a lasor batter, when out of the Falcon came a sleek, dart like batter and blasted the troopers into a billion pieses.
“Lets go.” The Falcon lifted and started to move just as Bunt Vader and his men blasted into the cavern.
The rebals survivers were all gathered as the Falcon streaked past them. And Luke and R.3.D.3. was in a X wing batter fighter. “No R.3. we’re not going with the others.” R.3. let a beep of wonder. “We’re going to the Diomond System.”
“Beep tweet wheew?”
“I don’t know we’re just going.”
{2013 note: See, that’s why the Falcon gets singled out for special Umpirial attention, impetuously streaking past all the other survivors! Not very heroic, Sports Wars Han.}

22 a

Meanwhile the Falcon was skeaking through space. “We’re approching the umperial blockade.” And here comes some “neck” tie fighters. Hans pilot skill eluded some of them, but they were getting close.
“Watch this.” Han said as he put his hand on the hyper auditorium lever. He pulled it, nothing happened.
“Watch what,” said Deia remarkingly.
“It didn’t work, chewy, lets see if we can fix it.” Chewy let out a grunt of approvel, while they were working something hit them. “That wasn’t a ball bolt.” Just then Deia ran in, “it’s a baseball field!” she yelled. They all ran to the cockpit.
“What are you doing!?!” she yelled.
“Going into it.”
“Going into it? Are you crazy!?!”
“No!” Then the first “Neck” tie fighter smashed against a baseball.

23 a

“Look at that!” it was the biggest ball. They dived to the surfase of it. Han guided the ship around a rocky crator, a tie fighter didn’t. Then he flew the ship between two narrow cliffs, the remaining fighters didn’t, they turned into cosmic dust. “Hey, look at that,” it was a deep cave, they dived into it. “We should be safe, for now.”
Meanwhile Luke and R.3. was approching the diamond system. They dived into the thick clouds, then Luke broke the silence. “You know R.3. if you’re thinking it was a bad idea to come here, I’m beginning to agree with you.”
They crashed through the thick woods and splashed into a swamp. The cockpit opened and Luke climed out. “You stay here, I’ll look around a little.”
Despite Lukes comment, R.3. screwed himself out if his hole. He slipped, let out a robot cry of help and fell, with a splash, into the murky swamp.
“R.3.!” cried Luke, “where are you?”
The water bubbled a little and then a little periscope went out of it. Luke gave a sigh of relief as it headed for shore. But they didn’t see a big bat monster heading for them, suddenly R.3. disappeared into the swamp.
{2013 note: R.3. had it coming. Such an obedient preteen I was, slipping a dangers-of-insubordination lesson into my story!}

24 a

“R.3.!” Luke cried again. Their was a little bubbling and R.3. shot into the air and crashed into the mud. “It’s a good thing that that monster doesn’t eat machines.”
Luke started to eat a Mars bar. And he heard a sound, he drew his gun and
To Be Continued! (I’m getting bored with this, so lets go behind the pages and talk with Bunt Vader! Oh no!)
Hey, Bunty baby!
“Bunty baby!?!”
Uh, just an expresstion.
“That’s okay.”
Okay, how do you like being leader of a … ball destroyer fleet?
“Its okay, exept I get cramps in my meditation chamber.”
Thank you Bunt, and now back to, The Umpires Strikes Back!
“No, no, don’t shoot” said a small, green, creature. “I mean you no harm!”
{2013 note: Yoda, ancient Jedi master, survivor of the purge only to suffer exile for 20 years, meets the son of Anakin Skywalker for the first time since he was a baby, a moment changing the history of the galaxy, and my 11-year-old self was bored with it.}
25 a

Luke put away his gun. Then the creature came down from his perch and took a bite of Luke’s Mars bar. “Yeelch!” he said, and he threw it away.
“Hey!” said Luke, “that’s my lunch!”
The creature ignored him and seared Lukes bag. He sound something interesting, a lantern.
“Hey, put that back.”
But when the creature wasn’t looking, R.3. stuck out a robot hand and grabbed it.
“No! Mine! Mine!” yelled the creature.
R.3. let out a series of robot “give its.”
And the creature took his cane and started beating him.

26 a

“Let him have it R.3.,” Luke said. The creature took it, and said, “Why are you here.”
“I’m looking for a great Jedi warrior called Yoda.”
“Warrior? Wars do not make one great. But I can help you look.”
“You can, is he a friend of yours?”
“Friend, oh yes, yes, very good friend. Why don’t you come to my home.”
“Well, okay.”
{Teacher note: Very good!}
Leia was keeping a watch and suddenly, a black blob flew onto the ship. She screamed, Han came running in.
“What is it?” Han said.
“A, a thing!”
“Come on lets go!”
“Your going out there?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
They all went out, blasters ready, and suddenly turned and fired, the blob fell, dead.

27 a

Then Deia said, “Han, the ground crubles when I stomp on it.”
Han then shot at the wall, the entire cave shook. “Oh no,” he said.
“Han, whats wrong!”
“Forget it, lets go!”
They all ran into the ship and blasted off. When they were flying, large “teeth” started closing.
“What is it?!? Said Deia.
“I don’t know! Watch it, bank chewie, pretend you’re going to escape from a bank, bank!!!!!!”
They streaked out, just as it closed, but the creature didn’t want to lose them, so it came out of its hole and tried to chomp them, but missed.
“What is this,” Han said, “Jaws 3 or the Umpire strikes back?”
{Teacher note: good one!}
“Shut up, we’re not supposed to know this is a storey!”
{Teacher note: Maybe you get it done by the end of the year!}
R.3. stood on his robot tip toes, to see inside a little house, where Luke and the “creature” was.
“Ah, now I’ll show you some good food, ah, yes, yes.”
Luke watched as the creature went back and forth, back and forth. Then said, ”Can’t we go see Yoda now?”
“No, no, we must have food.”
“Hey, it looks good and I’m sure its delisious, but I don’t know why I can’t see him now.”

28 a

“I cannot teach him, he has no pationse.
The falcon was flying through space with “neck” tie fighters and ball bolt on their heals.
“What are you going to do,” said Deia.
“I don’t know!” said Han.
Chewie let out a grunt of fear.
“But don’t worry, we’ll make it,” said Han.
“Yeah,” said Deia, “I’ll bet you will.”
“Bounty batters,” said an umperial pitcher.
Their were a series of robots and aliens and humens. Their were Balsk, an alien with baggy skin and bloot shot, orby eyes. And their were I.G.7.7., a batting machine, corroded from battle. Their were Starkill and Starstricker, two human batters, they were dirty and their clothes torn from battle. And their was Boba Bat, the most fearsome, with sinister looking, weapon covered armor covering everything from his head to his toes!
“You are to find the Millenium Falcon and take its crew alive!” said Bunt Vader.
{Teacher note: Very good!}

29 a

30 a

The Falcon was still flying through space. Han was ready to pull the mad space (get it, hyper, mad? ahem)
“Watch this,” he said as he pulled it, again, nothing happened.
“Watch what?” Deia remarked.
“This definently is not, my day.”
“I noticed.”
“Oh no, our rear shield are destroy! Chewie turn this thing around and we’ll use the front shields!”
“You heard me turn around!”
“Grunt growl.” (translated “okay”)
They turn around and went full speed toward the ball destroyers bridge.
“He’s crazy!” said an umperial officle.
“He’s going to kill us!” said another.
“Get down!” said another.
They all got down, expecting a tremendous explosion. But there was nothing.
“What happened?” said an umpirial officle.
“Where’d they go?” said another.
“They’re gone!” said another.
“Captain, what are you going to tell coach Vader?” said another.
“I’ll apologize personaly,” the captain said.
The captain crumpled to the ground some strombatters carried him away.
“Apoligy accepted,” said Bunt vaders evil voice.

31 a

Luke was running through the forest with Yoda seated on his back. Doing a series of flips, somersaults, and jumps, soon he slowed down and fell.
“What’s wrong?” said Yoda.
“I can’t go on like this.”
“A Jedi Batter must have energy see?”
“I, uh, sure, I think.”
On the side of the Ball Destroyer’s massive tower was the Falcon, with all of its systems down.
“This is a clever idea, but, how are we going to get away?” asked Deia.
“Well, when that ship goes into mad space, it dumps all its garbage, so, we’ll just mix with the junk and when it goes into mad space, we go the opposite direction.”
“Yeah, they won’t be able to tell this ship from the rest of the trash.”
“That’s not in the script.”
“I know but its boring.”
(Listen Han and Deia, you quit telling the reader that you know it’s a storey, if you do it again, I’ll make the umpericle destroy you, hah! This is …. The Writer!)
“What was that?” asked Deia.
“Didn’t you listen, its … The Writer!”
“I don’t care if it’s the Wizard of Oz, he can’t yell at us!”
“Wanna bet?”
{2013 note: Princess Leia actually did make this comment. “With the rest of the garbage,” she pointed out when Han told her his plan. More subtle than my version. My 11-year-old self wasn’t big on subtlety.}

32 a

Luke was balensing on his hands then he lifted a hand, then he lifted up his fingers, and with Yoda sitting on his heels, he lifted two rocks. He was balensing on one thumb, with Yoda on his heels and lifting two rocks with the force, when R.3. came beeping down the trail.
“Yow” said Luke.
“Yaaaaaaaa *splat*” said Yoda.
“What do you want R.3.?”
“Dweet, dweet, beep, tweet, whistle?” (translated, “I just want to say hi, so, hi!”)
“Why you low-down stu-“
“Temper, temper, Luke,” said Yoda.
“Well, o.k.”
R.3. said “bye” and rolled away as fast as he could, which would be the smartest move he coud ever make, because Luke doesn’t have a good temper, this he first found out when he almost shot 4.P.O. (Oh no, I forgot about C.4.P.O.! Oh well, you’ll here from him later.)
{2013 note: I don’t know what I was referring to with the Luke-shooting-Threepio thing}

33 a

As the ball destroyer streaked off, it dumped its garbage, which they have a lot of, since they’re bad guys, and of course the Falcon got off to. But what they don’t know is that Boba Bat, in his Servant 100, which looked like an elephants head, got off to. So when the Falcon left, guesse what Boba did.
“O.K. lets check my records to see if theirs a good ball (planit) to land on,” said Han.
“Records! How organized,” Deia said.
“Quite right, here’s one by the Beatles, here’s one by Styx, here’s one by Chicago, the Cars, here’s one of the…”
{Teacher note: Cute!}
“Hey look here, a Star Wars record.”
“That’s trash, lets throw the thing out.”
{Teacher note: “!!”}
“Hey, her a good one. Its by Bando Carissian, at the Bedspin floating dug-out!”
“Let’s go then.”
{Teacher note: Neat effect Philip}

34 a

Luke ran down the trail and leaped up over a small lake, but, he was a little short and he landed right in the water, soaking Yoda.
“Woops,” said Luke, “sorry.”
“I’ll bet! Maybe I should get a new guy…”
“No, no, I’ll be good, I promise!”
“Well, if you go through that dorky tree with it roots above the ground to make it look spooky.”
{Teacher note: “?”}
“That’s not in the script.”
“So what, if Han and Deia can do it, why can’t I?”
“Who cares. Oh well, I’ll go through it with my light bat.”
“No weapons.”
“Awww your mom wears army boots!”
{Teacher note: ”!”}
“Now you listen here, young man.”
(Enough, that’s it, you’re through, stop it!)
“What was that?”
“I dunno.”
“Oh well, get in that tree.”
“Yes sir.”
Luke walked in, it was dark, cave-like place, he walked further and suddenly the dark figure of Bunt Vador appeared.

35 a

The imige swung at him, he block it, and swung himself, he cut off its head and it fell to the ground, the body just melted away into the darkness. The mask on it came off and it reveiled Lukes face.
He stood back in horror, clutched his heart and yelled “Heart attack!” and he fell down dead.
Just Kidding! (fooled you didn’t I)
This is a special News Break, now we go to George Scott at the Cape whatyit.
Thank you, now we are here, on the final countdown, lets watch.
10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
and here are some pictures from outer space
and now back to the Umpire strikes back.
He saw his face, and he realized what it meant (even though, I didn’t) and he comes out, he has learned a good lesson (I geuse)
{Teacher note: funny!}
That’s all the time I have, so stay tuned next time, for…
The Umpire Strikes Back!
{2013 note: Some contemporary history here, the launch of the space shuttle Columbia, April 12, 1981 – the first shuttle launch ever! The teacher rolled in a TV to show us the live coverage, on which these “drawings” are based.}

36 a

37 a

38 a

And now the continuation of…
The Umpire Strikes Back!
The Falcon was streaking down to the floating dug-out of Bespin.
“Are you sure they’ll let us land?” said Deia.
“Yeah, the know me.”
“Then why are the shooting at us?”
“Like I said, they know me!”
“Go to the city nice and easy or we’ll bean you so hard you won’t know wat hit ya!”
“Who was that?”
“One of those guys in one of those Twin cloud bats.”
They landed on second base and they all came out.
“Wher’s the welcoming comitee?” said Deia (oviosly).
“I dunno.”
“The chances of getting out of this alive is 125,603,520 to 1” said 4.P.O.
“You were supposed to say that when we were in that baseball (astroiyed) belt!”
“I’m sorry, I lost my script!”
“shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You’re not supposed to mention the scripted!”
“I’m sorry, I’m only human!”
“You’re not human!!! You’re a droid!!!!!!!!!”
“Well excuse me!”
“Hey Chewie, you weren’t supposed to do that, and besides, he’s not supposed to be torn apart until he gets blasted.”
“Grunt growl.” (I’m sorry)
That’s all the time I have, so stay tuned, for….
The Umpire Strikes Back!

39 a

40 a

“O.k. Chewie, put him together!”
“Grrrrrr, aw right.”
“You’re not supposed to talk!”
“Uh, eey, oh, sheesh, I’m sorry, er, grunt growl.”
“Hey look!”
“That doors opening!”
“People are coming ou!”
“Growl grunt roart grunt grunt!”
“Shut-up Chewie!”
“Grunt, *snif snif* growl *snif*
“Now look at him, you hurt his feelings!”
“I’m sorry chewie, I didn’t mean it, I… hey what are doing? Why are you looking at me so funny? Hey, get off me! No, I… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *clunk*
{Teacher note: “?”}
Just Kidding!!!!!!
“Look the doors opening!”
“It’s, it’s Bando Carrissian!”
“How’d you get the guts to come back you……… welcome back.”
They embraced.
“Hey, whats this fox doing with a pirate like you.”
“Hold it, she’s mine!”
“She’s my guest, so she’s mine!”
“Hey, you don’t have to argue about me.”
“We weren’t, we were talking about that fox that stowed away on my ship.”

41 a

“I want to go home!”
“You can’t go without you’re Xwing.”
“I know, but I want to go!”
“Well, the bathrooms over…”
“Not That Go!!!”
“Allright, just lift it from the water.”
“Go ahead.”
“Allright,” he concentrated, and it rose a few inches, then fell.
“Not that way like this” he lifted it out of the water.
“Thanks bye.” As he got on the image of Ben Kenobi appeared. “He better come back,” he said, “cause if he doesn’t I whipp his —- intill he can’t sit!”
“Don’t worry.”
“Why not.”
“There is another.”
“Really, who?”
“I don’t know, it’s not in the script.”
On the Cloud-Dug-out, Bando invited them to dinner. “Boy that was nice of you” said Han. But little did he know that in the head dinner chair sat Bunt Vader! (Bum de bum bum).
{Teacher note: Cute!}
So when they opened the door, Han fired a series of balls at him, only to be deflected by Bunt’s hand. A lot of Storm Batters gathered round, with Lobut in the front.
So they took ‘em prisoner. And in the cell Han punched Bando out. But was clubbed by the guards. (why we don’t do this part, is to save time.) And later lead him to be turned into an ice-cube.
“Is it ready?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good, hey, let’s try it on Han Beaner.”
“He’s here sir.”
“Huh, oh, lets get on with it then you dope.”
They started lowering Han.
“I love you” yelled Diea.
“I know. And we didn’t get to make out on that asteroid cause the dope that’s making this thing forgot to…” sssssssssssssss.
{Teacher note: “!”}
(Ha Ha, that should teach ‘em.)
“Who was that?”
“I dunno.”
“Ekk, they make him into an ice-cube!”
“Grunt grrr ruf bark growl.” (He deserved it, but, the script says I’m sad, so, I’m sad.)
{Teacher note: ah Chewie!}
“Is Luke coming?”
“Good, prepare it again.”
“Yes sir.”
{2013 note: School year was coming to a close, and that means crunch time! A lot is in this week’s edition, Yoda’s final scenes, Lando’s betrayal, Leia’s confession of love, Han’s imprisonment in carbonite, all in 324 words.}

42 a

43 a

44 a

Luke came into the docking bay of the dug-out, and came out. “It’s to quiet.”
“Tweet, whistle.” They went through the empty halls. Suddenly, a door opened and some Ball troopers came out. Then Boba Ball, then Han’s ice-cube form, than Deia. “Go back, go back. It’s a trap!”
“I would, if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.”
{Teacher note: nice line}
So he and the bad guys shot balls at each other. Soon they were through the other door. So he went on.
Soon, he was at the Carbon-ice-cube maker. And Bunt Vader was up their.
“You fiend,” said Luke.
“Why’d you say that?”
“Why not.”
“Oh well,” he leaped at Luke like a buzzard. “That’s not nice!” Shut-up. “Sorry.”
Anyway he leaped at him, and Luke backed away, and a trap-door opened and the freezing prosess began. “All to easy,” he said, as a crane lifted up Luke’s frozen body.
{Teacher note: This is different!}

Just Kidding (you’re getting tired of these just kidding right?)
Anyway, he leaped up and grabbed a pipe.
“All to easy.”
“I’m still alive you creep.”
“Oh yeah.” They both lit their Light bats and started fighting. Bunt was just swinging and blocking, while Luke was doing all these fancy moves. “If you’re trying to impress me, forget it.”
“Oh yeah?” Luke sent him over the edge. And he went down himself. But Bunt wasn’t in sight. Suddenly Bunt came out of the shadows and swung at Luke, who ducked.
“Strike one” said Luke.
{Teacher note: You’re good!}
They started fighting again. Untill Bunt cornered Luke by a window.
“Get mad at me, Luke, come on, I’m sending all these objects at you. Come on, get mad, now I’ll send you down out of the window.” Luke landed on a thing. Bunt came down at him. “Now I’ll get you mad, I’m your father, what are you going to do about that?”
{Teacher note: Have a nice summer! Hope you finish this sometime}

45 a

46 a

“Noooooooooo!!! That can’t be true!!”

“Um, it can’t be true that you’re my father! That’s impossible!”
“Sorry, it just seems like a lot of time has gone by, I hardly know what you’re talking about…”
“You know you’re right… what the heck happened anyway?”
“I don’t know. Hold on… by the Dark Side of the sports force, we’ve been standing here for 32 years!”
“Bunt, what are you talking about?!?”
“My helmet mounted chronometer… I’m telling you, three decades have gone by! It is now three-two years after we’ve started this duel!”
“Wha… how did this happen? Is it a trick by the Umpire?”
“I don’t think so…. Hmm, I can’t get anyone on my comlink. How about yours?”
“Let’s see… maybe Deia… hey, it’s ringing…”
“Deia! It’s Luke!”
“Luke! How long has it been? Where have you been all this time?”
“Um, here on Bespin… I’m with Bunt Vader!”
“Bespin? That was 30 years ago! Han! It’s Luke!”
“Luke! You old space monkey! How have you been?”
“I’m fine, Han old buddy! So, what have you two been up to?”
“So what are they saying…”
“Shhhh, I’m talking to them. Hold on, I’ll put it on speaker.”
“Who’s that there?”
“He’s talking to Bunt Vader.”
“Vader? He’s with Luke? Huh. Well, now we know where he went all those years ago…”
“I guess.”
“So… 30 years…”
“Yeah. So listen, did we win? Did we overthrow the Umpire?”
“The Umpire? Oh yeah, years ago. You know the Death Ball? Yeah, he built another one. We had some talent scouts get the plans for it and we blew it up.”
“You destroyed the second Death Ball? But how? The plans were flawless – we fixed that vent, you know…”
“We got to it before they finished. You know, it wasn’t as easy as all that…”
“Yeah, we had some help from some furry mascots, but it all worked out.”
“Well that’s good.” Luke turned to Vader.
“So, I guess the war’s over.”
“So it would seem.”
“Hey Luke, that dug out’s been abandoned for about 20 years now. Sit tight, though, we’ll get out there in the Millennium Falcon II, just take a few hours.”
“Ok, great!”
“You know, Luke, I was serious about that whole, father-son thing.”
“I know. I, I think I always knew. And you know what else?”
“I don’t know. Just a feeling. I’m sure it will come to me soon.”
The sleek and modern Millennium Falcon II settled on the abandoned landing platform of Bespin Dug Out. Luke and Bunt strode out to meet the ship as its ramp descended. Out came Deia, 4.P.O., R.3., and, finally, Han and Chewie.
“Oh thank the maker! You know, R.3. never forgave himself for losing you all those years ago.”
“It’s alright. I don’t think it was his fault.”
“Dweetle dweet!” (Ok, thanks!)
“Chewie! How are you?”
“Grunt roarr!” (Pretty good! You’re looking good yourself, considering the considerable time you’ve been here!)
“That’s good.”
“So, Beaner. How long were you on ice? I see you managed to defrost yourself.”
“Yeah, no thanks to you. You know, it’s a good thing you’re my father-in-law.”

“Oh… kay…,” Deia said. “I see you guys need to get up to speed on some things. We only found out ourselves a few years after we lost you here. Yoda appeared to me as a Force ghost and told me.”
“Force ghost?”
“Impossible… only the most powerful users of the Force can achieve such things!”
“You’re right, Bunt. The Baseball Knights are back, and I’m their general manager! Your grandkids, Bunt, and Luke, your niece and nephew, they’re star players.”
“Niece? Nephew?”
“That’s enough, I think they’re going to have a stroke, Deia. Come on, let’s go home. Bando’s watching the grandkids, and I think he’s anxious we get back. He has a card game or something tonight.”
They all loaded up onto the ship, settled in, and blasted off, and soon they were gone, the mad space drive having worked perfectly.
Just Kidd-… (Oh, never mind…)
The End.

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