Legion movie posterThis is Nick the Knife, writing safe and sound from my palatial estate. I have survived yet another movie apocalypse, this one called Legion. When the previews first appeared I was excited. I went to my editor and claimed review duties for myself. I didn’t want anyone else to have the pleasure, or maybe I was just trying to escape reviewing The Tooth Fairy! Well, I can’t imagine that I got the worst of that deal, but Legion is god (small g) awful. This latest version of humanity’s demise is neither vampires nor war, but the big G himself. In an opening voiceover, the heroine relates how her mother explains God’s anger, “He just got tired of the bullshit.”
Indeed. I don’t really endorse the theology here, but God has apparently had it up to here with humanity and decides to destroy the world. Now the Almighty, by definition, has unlimited means, methods, and imagination to accomplish His task. His choice? He decides to send his angels to occupy weak willed humans and have them launch zombie attacks on the rest of us. The Archangel Michael doesn’t like it and decides to join the underdogs and fight back (See Daybreakers, Avatar, and the Book of Eli!). Michael throws a couple hundred machine guns into a couple of duffle bags and heads for your standard dump in the middle of nowhere. It’s a little roadside diner called Paradise Falls (get it?) and there is where we meet Charlie, our heroine. She is eight months pregnant, surrounded by the diner’s crew: the broken down, beer swilling owner Bob, his borderline retarded son and the cook. A few accidental customers fill out the cast waiting for stuff to go down. When Bob’s TV won’t work even after being beaten, they start to figure out there’s trouble.
You’ve probably seen the trailer with the old lady. She turns out to be the opening wave of the attack and her target is Charlie. You see, Charlie’s unborn child is…aw do I have to tell you?? Michael arrives after the stereotypical black guy dispatches the old lady with a stereotypical big ol’ gun. Michael and the rest hold down the diner against the zombies. At one point it appears that God remembered some of his better weapons; a plague of insects thwarts a rescue attempt and one character gets some massive boils. But that idea is snuffed out quickly. We then get some TV-movie dialogue interludes in which all the remaining survivors get to bare their souls, soulfully of course. When you’re ready to fall asleep, the Archangel Gabriel arrives to finish what Michael started. Michael and Gabriel have a deep philosophical discussion before getting down to it. In what was probably unintentional irony, humanity’s Armageddon is decided between the two angels. There’s more, but you get it.
In all seriousness, this movie wastes the talents of Dennis Quaid and Charles S. Dutton. Tyrese Gibson looks like he wished he was still rapping as the SBG. The two angels are suitably snippy. The editing is terrible; the music left no impression whatsoever. The effects are cheap-think about those greeting cards that have cats and dogs grinning wide-eyed like humans. A friend of mine was in the audience but I didn’t realize it until later. She said it was fun. There’s your equal time. As for me, Legion gets the dreaded Butter Knife-it just doesn’t cut it. Worse, there will probably be a sequel. Don’t despair though-Wolfman premieres in two weeks. Starring the great Benicio Del Toro and the master Anthony Hopkins, it promises to chase away the bad taste in your mouth left by Legion. See you at the movies!!

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